(TTC=Trying to Conceive)
This topic I have been very hesitant to talk about. I have written and erased this post at least 10 times in the past few months. So here goes nothing!
I never knew so many people would be concerned about my uterus until I got married. It seems like the moment we said our vows people started questioning when the babies would come. I mean I get it. First comes love then comes marriage then comes the baby in a baby carriage. What happens when life doesn’t really work that way? Well it sucks to say the least, but it has all been a learning experience. My main problem with infertility is not being in control. When it comes to certain things I have to be in complete control. Seriously, I planned my whole wedding by myself and executed mostly all of it. I may or may not be a control freak, I haven’t worked my way into accepting that yet. Anyways this is about infertility and why it actually sucks. Let’s rewind to two years ago.
When we first decided that we wanted to TTC (try to conceive) we didn’t tell a lot of people. Mainly family. Since we live in a social media driven society, everything has to be Instagram worthy. So what’s better than a surprise pregnancy announcement post on Instagram and Facebook! So we tried for about 9 months without any luck before I scheduled a Doctors appointment. That was a long 9 months. I blame GOOGLE. Trying to self diagnosis myself stressed me out and I couldn’t ask anyone else or talk to anyone about what I was going through because you know secrets!
Another thing that really sucks about TTC is the unknown. My doctor told me it wasn’t a case of infertility until you have been trying for full year and no luck. We still had 3 months of trying and I just knew that we would get pregnant in that time. Then she comes back around to say but it may be a list of other problems that is keeping us from conceiving. Ok, lady! Which one is it specifically so we can fix it and get this baby making machine rolling! Leaving my first appointment I remember feeling so defeated, but still hopeful that we would conceive before a full year of trying. Like I mentioned before I need to be in control. Not knowing exactly what problem to tackle to make this dream a reality killed me and caused so many sleepless nights.
The following year, 2017, was a blur to me. I couldn’t even tell you what happened. Being in a depressed state of mind for an entire year is physically draining. Getting up every morning and acting as if everything is wonderful in my life killed me daily. I withdrew from so many people and isolated myself until I could find all the answers to why we couldn’t get pregnant. The answers never came. No matter how much I wanted it, no matter how much I begged and pleaded with God. It never happened. I was so angry and sad to the point I just wanted to give up. This is why TTC sucks. I was so focused on this one goal that I couldn’t even see life passing me by. It wasn’t until I went on a 50 day spiritual fast that I finally found relief. My spirit was finally settle and I finally let go to let God take control
Once you get to the point where it is clear that it is an infertility issue that’s is when a lot of questioned get answered. I won’t go into detail right now what our fertility issues are right now. Just know infertility is expensive af! Another reason TTC sucks! You have to basically give your voice and soul to the sea queen Ursula just to get to the point where you are ready for an IUI or IVF. Not only that but it takes the fun out of baby dancing. It’s nothing like someone telling you when you can or can not baby dance. Plus when you add in all of the medicines that you are on and calculating exactly when you are fertile then really TTC is the last thing on your mind. So for all the people that say trying to have a baby is the fun part, think again.
The last thing on the reasons that TTC sucks is people. Seriously, who thinks of these things that comes out of peoples month sometimes. A lot of time I’m just walking around at work and someone will say ‘No baby yet?’ as if to say dang what is taking so long! I know it all comes from a good place but I really don’t want to keep hearing how I suck at creating life. Another one of my favorites to hear is ‘Once you stop thinking about it then it will happen.’ Umm I’m pretty sure infertility doesn’t work like that but Ok!
I really could go on and on about why TTC sucks, but I will end it here now. I wanted to share this because this where I want to be open and share my journey. This is my life. It isn’t always perfect, but I’m learning to take the good and the bad everyday. I know this isn’t the end only the start of our journey and I am trusting God along the way.